Previously on We’re Not in Edison City Anymore, Sam Superlative Jr. is doing battle with John Cute on Verin Prime, on the other side of the dimensional rift from present-day Earth, while on the Earth side, Sam Superlative’s father and ex-wizard Vencentus the Mighty work to change time! Meanwhile, Candystriper lies in mortal peril in an Edison City hospital! As the Malevolent Med-Student races back to be with her, is he already too late? We’ll find out, but first, a quick commercial word!

Down Below

Leon the demon sulked at the gates of Hell. He’d been assigned by his superior officer in the great sprawling bureaucracy of the infernal regions to go and patrol out front “for a while, in case someone new shows up”. So far, nobody had. That meant Leon was bored, and he didn’t like it.

Boredom was all well and good when used as a weapon to lure the humans away from the Enemy (Leon had sat through some lectures on the topic by some undersecretary or other during his training)1. It was an entirely different thing when one is bored oneself. The only real salvation from being bored, as is commonly known, is finding something to do. If that fails, there’s always the hope that it won’t last forever. Something will come along, the nurse will call one’s name at the waiting area, the car will arrive, the Internet will start working again. Time progressing forward is the key element that makes all of this happen.

For Leon, when his superior told him to go and patrol for “a while”, he had no way to know how long that might actually be. He might literally be on station outside the dark portal to the infernal regions for an eternity. It wasn’t a particularly enjoyable place either, all rock and hard iron, fire and oily smoke. The only living being he had a chance of a conversation with was Wendell, the hulking grey and fluffy bunny who had replaced Minos, prior guardian of the gates. Leon didn’t particularly like Wendell, so that was out.

So there he was, kicking idly at a rock just outside the tall iron gates that opened into the First Circle, with nothing to do. Again. “Stupid,” he snarled at nobody in particular. “Stupid, stupid, stupid-”

“Excuse me,” a pale voice said just behind him. “Where do I go now?”

“Who-” Leon snarled, whirling around to find a shadowy form of a woman in some sort of half medical uniform, half- well, he wasn’t sure what it was, but it wasn’t hospital-standard issue, that was certain. She was definitely transparent, however, and down here, which meant one thing. “Ah, something to do.”

“Sorry?” she said forlornly.

“You will be, babe,” Leon said, fairly slavering in delight. He hadn’t done a full reading yet but he guessed Circle Five, maybe Seven, maybe even Nine if she’d thrown some treachery in there. “Ooooh yeah, you sure will-”

“Okay, knock it off,,” a new voice interrupted, crisp and clear. Leon snapped around and let loose a bolt of fire purely on instinct. This should’ve incinerated whoever it was, but the newcomer deflected the blast with a wave of her hand. “Oh, please, don’t even bother,” the angel said, looking down her nose at Leon. “Creep.”

“You can’t do this,” Leon said, clenching his fists. “We got rights! Someone dies, they show up down here, they-”

“Stay down here for all eternity, yada yada yada, I know the spiel, okay?” the angel said. “Here’s the thing, one tiny thing you overlooked, she’s not dead yet, pal. So, guess what, we’re still in the game!”

“Not- not dead- but-” Leon spluttered, waving to the obviously ghostly form. “She’s a freaking ghost!”

The angel rolled her eyes. “Your point?”

“You can’t be a ghost and then come back!” Leon fumed. “You can’t!”

The angel smiled, drawing a golden sword. “Yeah? Read a book.” Light exploded around her and the human, sending Leon reeling back in agony. “Can.”

When the light faded, Leon found himself alone again. He stared sourly at the rock he’d been kicking before. “It’s still not fair,” he muttered.

The rock, as it often did, said nothing.

St. Cupertino Memorial Hospital, Edison City

The Malevolent Med-Student ran as frantically as he ever had through the winding hospital corridors, the worst possible scenarios crowding his mind, spurring him on. She wasn’t going to make it. He’d have to arrange things, some sort of appropriate service, and he relied on her to arrange things and he’d be no good at arranging things without her; it wouldn’t be right, and he’d never be able to make it up to her and he’d never had a chance to say anything, and-wait, maybe there was still a chance!

He reached her room and burst inside. “Doctor, listen, if I can reverse the polarity on the Death Beam, possibly requadrilate the xanthonic emitters, then-”

“No need,” said the doctor standing by Candystriper’s bedside. “Appreciate the willingness of course, but looks like we’ve turned a corner. Your girl’s gonna be all right.”

The Malevolent Med-Student stared. “But… but they called a code blue! You don’t just … I mean…”

The doctor shrugged, a slightly amused smile on her face. “She got better.”

“Oh,” the Malevolent Med-Student said. He felt suddenly tired and relieved all at once. A very small part of him had already begun drafting what would’ve been a heart-rending eulogy at his henchwoman’s funeral, but he tactfully stifled it. “Thank you,” he said, “Thank you so much, doctor-”

“Constance,” she said as she passed him, heading out of the room. “All part of the job, so to speak. She’s in there!” she called at Captain Happily Married and the others, who had just arrived in the hallway. “Anyway, see you around, stay out of trouble, and maybe rethink the whole Soul-Sucking Scope of Sadness idea, okay? Cool.”

Then she was gone, and before the Malevolent Med-Student could ask how on Earth she knew about his latest villainous plan, he heard a weak voice from the bed. “Hiya, boss. Oh, hey, I didn’t die after all. Sweetness.”

“No,” he said, smiling, “You did not.”

“So what’s the plan?” she managed. “I can probably manage to get out of here, get started on that scope, just gimme a minute … uph…and a wheelchair… hrk….and maybe some more minutes…”

“No,” the Malevolent Med-Student said, “No, my dear and loyal henchwoman, the plan for now is for you to rest and recover. Get back to full strength. Watch some heartwarming animated films! I don’t know of any myself, but,” he gestured towards Captain Happily Married and his family, who were peering in with anxious faces from the hallway, “I’m sure they have recommendations. They do seem the type.”

“Sounds fun,” Candystriper said, though she seemed troubled. “Are you … are you going anywhere?”

“No,” the Malevolent Med-Student said, and though he wasn’t entirely sure why, his voice actually cracked. “No, I’m not. I’m staying right here, Annabelle, so long as you require it!”

She blinked, surprised by the first use of her non-henchwoman name in quite some time. The Malevolent Med-Student wondered, and worried, whether he’d made an error. Then she smiled again. “Cool.”

Outside, Constance nodded in what would’ve been a sense of smug satisfaction, had she not been an angel. She’d already informed the much-relieved Captain Happily Married and his family that the crisis was, at least here, over. Now she waved her hand and the room shades descended miraculously over the windows. Strictly speaking she wouldn’t ordinarily have left a supervillain and his henchwoman alone but, this once, she felt they’d earned a little privacy. And hey, what could go wrong?

“Nothing,” Constance said firmly, to no one in particular. “Nothing will go wrong here, at all. Don’t even think about it, you.”

And so, happily, nothing did.

Read the Epilogue.

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